The Clumpany

The Unwritten Rules

The Unwritten Rules

Good Evening. The Clumpany is working on a new range of family games for several well-known manufacturers. These will hopefully go on sale in the Autumn, and make ideal Christmas presents for your nearest and dearest. Do look out for them at your favourite retailer. All proceeds will go towards setting up a search and rescue […]

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Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig

Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig

Good Evening. The Clumpany has been given a sneak preview of an imaginary match report which may appear in tomorrow’s Daily Piss-Take. >>>>>> Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig It was a case of positives all round today as Rangers* and their Loyal travelling army conquered Germany, and set themselves on a path to Champions League […]

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Admirable Self-Restraint

Admirable Self-Restraint

Good Evening. The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the comments made this week by various folk associated with the ‘glorious’ EBT era of dead Rangers. Specifically, their views on whether Sevco should go on a spending spree to try and close the gap with Celtic. A gap which apparently continues to close by the millisecond… Closing […]

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Closing The Sevco-Celtic Gap

Closing The Sevco-Celtic Gap

Good Evening. The mantra that the ‘gap is closing’ between Sevco and Celtic seems to get louder and more repetitive the bigger the points difference between the two is, and the more times that Celtic win a New Glasgow Derby. The latest stage in the ongoing process to reclassify the Grand Canyon as a ‘hairline crack’ revolved around the […]

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When Walter Smith Appeared On Bullseye

When Walter Smith Appeared On Bullseye

Good Evening. Earlier today, The Clumpany had a call from a collector of old and rare TV programmes. He wanted to tell me about an ultra-rare recording he had just managed to buy from a contact in Glasgow. It seems that Walter Smith appeared on a special celebrity edition of classic TV Game show ‘Bullseye’ […]

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Dramatic Scenes As Sevco Transfer Target Jets In!

Dramatic Scenes As Sevco Transfer Target Jets In!

Good Evening. Here is the latest entirely fictitious Sevco transfer* update, from the hypothetical Sunday Piss-Take newspaper. * NB for ‘transfer’ read ‘short-term loan’. It should be remembered that RIFC had a ‘going concern’ warning in its last set of accounts, and is surviving with the help of loans from directors. This is not conducive to earth-shattering […]

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When Rangers Went Down The Toilet

When Rangers Went Down The Toilet

Good Evening. Here’s a topical article which The Clumpany just read in an entirely fictitious newspaper… >>>>>> The Great Rangers Toilet Revolt: Ten Years On The Daily P*ss-Take looks back on one of the more remarkable episodes in Rangers’ historic historical history, and lifts the lid on The Great Rangers Toilet Revolt which saw David Murray’s […]

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No, Not Him. We Actually Meant The Other One…

No, Not Him. We Actually Meant The Other One…

Good Evening. The Daily Record provided some top-drawer entertainment* yesterday with this story: [*No, really…] Rangers boss Mark Warburton makes Arsenal midfielder Jon Toral his priority January signing target On the face of it, it was pretty standard transfer window fodder. As you might expect, it linked Sevco to a player who has been around the […]

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The Essay-Writing Competition

The Essay-Writing Competition

Good Evening. There was a flurry of excitement at Journalism School today after a special essay-writing competition was announced. Entrants were invited to write a short piece on the theme of “Scottish football today”. They could write about anything they wanted within that topic, and were asked to be as creative as possible. The winner […]

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The Sevco Used Car Showroom

The Sevco Used Car Showroom

Good Evening. The Clumpany spotted the following ‘advert’ in one of today’s papers… >>>>> Sevco Used Car Sales’ January Extravaganza! Roll up! Roll up! It’s January Sale time at the Sevco Used Car Showroom! We’ve got all manner of delights to tempt you, no matter what your budget*. [*Although if you don’t want to be […]

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(For The Thirty-Millionth Time) Where’s The Money Dave?

(For The Thirty-Millionth Time) Where’s The Money Dave?

Good Evening. “He may have felt as though they were recounting stories of another club – it was all about titles, Europe and the Champions League. A different world. Nine in a row, great Old Firm battles, success after success – it just poured out of the mouths of his predecessors.” So said Gordon Parks […]

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Celtic Victory Marred By Attempted Arson

Celtic Victory Marred By Attempted Arson

By Billy Hack Police Scotland issued an urgent appeal for information, and the Prime Minister convened an unprecedented New Year’s Day meeting of crisis committee ‘Cobra’ this morning as details emerged of attempted arson and chemical attack at Ibrox during the Hogmanay Glasgow derby. We don’t normally mention the football allegiances of suspects unless it […]

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Party Like It’s 19 Points Clear

Party Like It’s 19 Points Clear

Good Evening. The Clumpany would like to wish you all a very Happy New Year. I suspect that 2016 is unlikely to rank highly in many folks’ list of ‘best years ever’, so let us hope for better things for the world in 2017. From a footballing perspective, New Years’ Eve brought to a close […]

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The ‘Old Firm’ Kitchen

The ‘Old Firm’ Kitchen

Good Evening. Regular readers of this attempted blog will know that The Clumpany greatly enjoys the media’s attempts to append almost any word to the redundant term ‘Old Firm’. Celtic don’t use the phrase, but Sevco and most of the press pack do. Whether they do so as a lazy shorthand for the Hoops and […]

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Getting A Grip On Second Place

Getting A Grip On Second Place

Good Afternoon. One of the real joys of Christmas is being able to kick back and drink yourself to near-death.* [*Some folk also like to see their family and friends during this special time. However others believe that a case of Buckie offers exactly the same ‘nearest and dearest’ experience… 😉] But there is also […]

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What Did You Get For Christmas?

What Did You Get For Christmas?

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany hopes that you are all well and had a great Christmas. Yesterday’s Boxing Day party at Clumpany Towers went off very well indeed. Sadly, we couldn’t tempt Car Park Man indoors no matter how many times we reassured him that all my copies of the Offshore Game report had been sealed up […]

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The Big Christmas Party

The Big Christmas Party

Good Evening. The Clumpany heads into the crucial festive period in optimistic mood following a recent dramatic slump during which this blog has received record levels of traffic and lots of positive feedback. I don’t know how I have coped, and am surprised that I haven’t been given the sack. But here I remain, and I […]

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Winning In 31st Place

Winning In 31st Place

Good Evening. The Clumpany would like to congratulate Sevco fans for getting organised and spending their hard-earned money to propel the Dave Clark Five’s ‘Glad All Over’ all the way to number 31 in the Christmas pop charts! And without even forcing through a change to the lyrics! It would be churlish not to applaud them for […]

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Warbo’s Top Secret Flight To Spain

Warbo’s Top Secret Flight To Spain

Good Afternoon. Who doesn’t love a good riddle? The Clumpany certainly enjoys having something to ponder, and I would like to share a brain teaser which has been written on a slip of paper and placed inside one of this year’s Clumpany Christmas crackers. “When is a secret flight to Spain not a secret flight […]

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The Biggest Exclusive Of The Year

The Biggest Exclusive Of The Year

Good Afternoon.  So, we got to late on December 21 before the biggest story of the year was broken. And fair play to the much-maligned Scottish sports media for breaking it. Credit where it’s due, in a year when Brexit, the US election, war, and all manner of celebrity deaths have dominated the headlines it’s […]

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