The Clumpany

Please Swallow The Lie!

Please Swallow The Lie!

Good Evening. One of the less-celebrated facets of Scottish football is its rare capacity to allow us to savour a cliche transformed into reality. We all laugh at BBC Scotland for being the sort of organisation that might have EBT recipients offering supposedly-worthwhile punditry. And we guffaw at them for doing so without a word […]

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Hibernian’s Unfortunate Laundry Bill

Hibernian’s Unfortunate Laundry Bill

Good Evening. The Clumpany has just received a completely fictitious note from Hibernian Football Club which certainly wasn’t written about the time that they put out this yellow-bellied statement… Hibernian Try The Patience Of Some Very Decent Fans >>>>>> Dear Leith Launderama Please find attached a sealed bag. For the avoidance of doubt you should […]

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An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

Good Evening. Stewart Regan undertook some media engagements this morning. In them, he commented upon the SFA’s refusal to engage with a requested review into the governance of Scottish football in recent years. Afterwards, Mr Regan didn’t sit down for a chat with The Clumpany. However, had he done so, it might have gone something […]

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An Independent Review Of The Clumpany

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany

CLUMPANY STATEMENT To whom it may concern. As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities. The suggestion made by this correspondence is that The Clumpany is shit, its […]

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The Charge Of The Shite Brigade

The Charge Of The Shite Brigade

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany has been highly amused by the efforts of the Sevco spin machine to suggest that although they may have recently missed out on securing the services of Hearts’ Jamie Walker, it was a glorious ‘failure’, with Sevco fighting valiantly and emerging from the saga with their ‘heroic’ reputation intact. However, I […]

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A Question For Gordon Parks

A Question For Gordon Parks

Good Evening. The Clumpany is thinking of opening an extensive new footballing facility in one of Scotland’s barren wastelands. It will be a footballing facility in which shite performers can struggle at no more than a Sunday League standard. I am thinking calling it The ‘Gordon’ Parks. 😉 Why? Well, like many of you, The […]

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Craig Levein: The Best Man For The Job

Craig Levein: The Best Man For The Job

Good Evening. The Clumpany has been handed a completely fictitious transcript of the interview which led to the appointment of Hearts’ new manager… >>>>>> Craig Levein: “So Craig, what skills do you think you can bring to the job of managing Hearts?” Craig Levein: “Well I have done it before with some success…” Craig Levein: […]

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The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Good Morning. Many people are aware of the ‘Caravan of Love’ which was built by the Isley brothers and subsequently maintained by The Housemartins. Call me ‘reckless’ but The Clumpany suddenly feels the need to embrace the song’s melody and sentiment, and to shamelessly offer some ‘alternative’ lyrics dedicated to the utter shambles that is […]

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Chris Sutton Confronts Pedro Caixinha

Chris Sutton Confronts Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening. The Clumpany watched BT Sport earlier today and witnessed Sevco… err… ‘destroying’ Ross County like they were fodder for a cheap and not-entirely-accurate headline tomorrow… I then saw Chris Sutton (conqueror of Derek Johnstone) asking Paperwork Pedro a few post-match questions, and I am pretty sure it went something like this… 😉 >>>>>< […]

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A Plea For A Favour

A Plea For A Favour

Dear North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). Every year millions of people get a huge amount of pleasure from watching your satellite track Santa Claus as he travels round the globe delivering presents to people of all ages. Your work brings families together, and reinforces a sense of community, peace and goodwill wherever it is […]

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Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

Good Evening. Here are today’s Sevco press conference highlights in full… 😉 >>>>>> Press: “So Pedro, are you feeling any pressure ahead of the this weekend’s game?” Pedro: “I always felt the support of the fans in the stadium. What I need to tell you, and it’s a Portuguese saying, ‘the dogs bark and the […]

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A Royal Piss-Take

A Royal Piss-Take

Good Afternoon. Every now and then The Clumpany’s favourite attempted newspaper treats us to something that makes you stop and ask “who thought that was a good idea?”. This week has been one of those times, for the Evening Shark-Jump has brought us extracts from a new book by none other than former Rangers (IL) […]

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How The Daily Record Changed The World

How The Daily Record Changed The World

Good Morning. The Clumpany doesn’t usually associate the sports output of the Daily Record with innovation. Or news. Or hard-hitting journalism. Or having the Companies House phone number to hand. Or much of anything really. 😉 “Off the radar” wealth, “all eleven Rangers players assaulted or spat on at Hampden”, “Thugs and thieves”, an epic […]

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Pedro: I’m Not Interested In Breathing

Pedro: I’m Not Interested In Breathing

Good Afternoon. This article won’t be appearing in any media outlet anytime soon… >>>>>> Pedro Caixinha: I’m Not Interested In Breathing The manager says a run of not breathing at all will come sooner rather than later for the Ibrox club. Rangers* manager Pedro Caixinha has said he is not interested in oxygen being available […]

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We’re Not Gonna Talk About EBTs…

We’re Not Gonna Talk About EBTs…

Good Afternoon. Last night The Clumpany was reminded of the classic ‘David Bowie’ sequence from the 1992 Twin Peaks movie “Fire Walk With Me”. In it, Bowie – playing a completely disorientated FBI agent Philip Jeffries who had been missing for two years – suddenly walks out of a lift in the Bureau’s Philadelphia headquarters […]

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The Great Sevco Cover-Up

The Great Sevco Cover-Up

Good Evening. The Clumpany was rather entertained by this ‘story’ which appeared on the Daily Record website today: Rangers* supporters hit out after it is revealed banners covering iconic glass staircase aren’t temporary As the piece explains… “Rangers* fans have hit out after the club supporters’ liaison officer revealed banners covering the iconic glass aren’t […]

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Soothing Your Distraught Audience

Soothing Your Distraught Audience

Good Afternoon The Clumpany Advertising Agency has been asked to produce a script for a range of adverts which will be used to promote the work of various Scottish football media outlets. Here is the first draft: >>>>>> Are you a Sevco fan experiencing severe grief following the death of Rangers? Are you fed up […]

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Pedro Factors Poor Management Into Training

Pedro Factors Poor Management Into Training

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany has been given a copy of a fictitious article about the latest profound insights from Paperwork Pedro. It will not be appearing in a mainstream publication any time soon, and so is reproduced for your information below… >>>>>>  Pedro Caixinha is now factoring poor management into Rangers’ * training sessions in […]

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Appalling News For Scottish Football

Appalling News For Scottish Football

Good Evening. Celtic’s performance against Astana in the first leg of their Champions League Playoff Round was a bit special, wasn’t it? Any win without conceding would have been welcome (although 1-0 would have been particularly good news for underwear retailers ahead of the second leg). But to win 5-0 was the stuff of dreams, […]

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The Neil Lennon Commemorative ‘Ear Cup’

The Neil Lennon Commemorative ‘Ear Cup’

  Good Evening. Clumpany Enterprises is delighted to announce the launch of an exciting new product. In association with Neil Lennon, and in order to commemorate his side’s win against Sevco at the weekend, we will shortly release some limited edition ‘Ibrox Victory’ ear cups. These will be hand-thrown* from the finest china clay, and […]

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