The Clumpany

The Shite Before Christmas…

The Shite Before Christmas…

Good Evening. The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land. Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas. He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their […]

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Awaiting Your Instructions

Awaiting Your Instructions

Good Afternoon. One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following: “Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉 Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t […]

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A Self-Indulgent Army?

A Self-Indulgent Army?

Good Evening. The Clumpany hopes that it finds you well. Anyway, about that Green Brigade statement… 😉 >>>>> Following the club statement on Friday, we take this opportunity to accept full responsibility for both the pyrotechnics display to celebrate the achievements of the Lisbon Lions at the Hearts match in May, and our ‘Brendan’s Undefeated Army’ […]

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Leigh Griffiths: A Deserved Yellow Card

Leigh Griffiths: A Deserved Yellow Card

Good Evening. Following the conclusion of yesterday’s Linfield v Celtic match – a fixture akin to the Football Banter Gods coming up with a ‘great idea’ after their usual dealer accidentally sold them some really dark mood-altering sh*t (😉) – The Clumpany sent the footage to top Clumpany scientists for analysis. I wanted to know […]

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An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA

Good Evening. The Clumpany has just released the following statement… >>>>>> The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons. Given the importance of […]

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Unexpected Abuse

Unexpected Abuse

Good Evening. The Clumpany encountered some truly surreal things when it was out and about today. While waiting for the bus I noticed a decaying lump of dog excrement on the pavement.  You might think there was nothing unusual in that. And you’d be correct. But what was truly extraordinary was that the heap of […]

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Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)

Good Evening. The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’. The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others […]

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Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite

One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed. Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too. Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets […]

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A Flight Of Fantasy

A Flight Of Fantasy

Good Evening. The Clumpany just had a truly bizarre experience. There I was in the pub when a man sat next to me and started telling me all about his upcoming holiday. He was going to Europe and hoped to visit a number of countries. He was VERY excited indeed and started waving his passport […]

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Dave King: I’m The President Of The World

Dave King: I’m The President Of The World

Good Morning. Not coming to a paper near you any time soon…. >>>>>> Dave King Set To Take Control Of Planet Following Glasgow Feedback The Rangers* Supremo has been convinced that he’s even more fantastic that he previously realised following a series of conversations which honestly really did take place in Glasgow. By A. Pile-O’Crap.  […]

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The Fanta Years

The Fanta Years

Good Evening. The Clumpany read a piece in one of today’s attempted newspapers about the so-called ‘Banter Years’.  It’s thesis – and that is the appropriate word for such a rigorously-researched academic study – is that ‘same club’ Rangers* and their fans have had a bit of a laugh over the past five years since […]

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Things Which Don’t Count

Things Which Don’t Count

Good Evening. The Clumpany hears disturbing news that the UK economy is teetering on the brink of total collapse and the Chancellor is currently locked in talks with the IMF to secure the Mother, Grandmother, Sister and Aunt of all bailouts to keep the country afloat. We all know that we live in turbulent times, […]

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Tanks And Other Reversing Things

Tanks And Other Reversing Things

Good Evening. Let us take a moment to ponder a few reversing things… Number one. Tanks. Possibly those belonging to His Big Mikeness in a metaphorical sort of way: Two. Front pages that are subsequently backed-away from:   Three. ‘Arguments’ made in favour of backing out of the Champions League: Four. Reversing away from the […]

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Dave King’s Finest Hour – A Guest Blog

Dave King’s Finest Hour – A Guest Blog

Good Evening. In a first for The Clumpany blog, today’s offering is brought to you by a guest writer. Our very special analyst takes a look at Keith Jackson’s piece in today’s Daily Record. An article in which the eight-and-three-quarter times Journalist of the Year salutes Dave King’s total victory over His Big Mikeness, the ‘ruthless’ […]

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Sale Of The Century

Sale Of The Century

Good Evening. My pal Alan called me earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was in absolute hysterics  about a conversation he had witnessed in the pub. A group of friends were talking to a smartly-dressed man. The fellow – who apparently has a string of […]

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Real Madrid: Sold For Scrap

Real Madrid: Sold For Scrap

Good Evening. Congratulations to Real Madrid on winning the Champions League last night. Using the David King Bullshit-Soundbite Principle, I am delighted to confirm that the presence of Celtic in this year’s competition proper means that Real’s triumph actually counts. Well done lads! As you might expect, the victors were delighted at the end of […]

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The World’s Staunchest Sevco Fan

The World’s Staunchest Sevco Fan

Good Morning. Not overheard on a bus this morning… >>>>>> Billy: “I’m so excited, Billy.” Billy 2: “Why’s that, Billy.” Billy: “Have you not seen Billy? Rangers* are coming!” Billy 2: “Oh aye. I think I’m even more excited than you are Billy.” Billy: “I doubt that Billy.” Billy 2: “No, I am MORE excited than you Billy” Billy: “No you […]

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The Hangover From Heaven

The Hangover From Heaven

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany did not enjoy Saturday’s Scottish Cup Final. It was quite a novel experience to discover that an ethereal entity could feel so sick. I was nervous all morning and then absolutely nauseous throughout the match. As they did for large parts of the recent league game, Aberdeen worked unbelievably hard, and […]

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The Lisbon Lions: How To Live Forever

The Lisbon Lions: How To Live Forever

Good Evening. It is a happy coincidence that the 800th Clumpany blog coincides with the celebrations for the 50th anniversary of Celtic Football Club winning the European Cup in 1967. Despite The Clumpany pouring out a torrent of surreal and occasionally pointed comments over the course of many thousands of words, I happily confess that […]

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WE ARE OUTRAGED!

WE ARE OUTRAGED!

Good Evening. The following statement is too fictitious to actually be released by any Sevco fans… 😉 >>>>>> Enough Is Enough At the end of a disappointing season which wasn’t so much ‘Going for 55’ as ‘Going NEVER to speak of it again’, we would like to shake our fist at the sky and shout […]

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