The Clumpany

WE ARE OUTRAGED!

WE ARE OUTRAGED!

Good Evening. The following statement is too fictitious to actually be released by any Sevco fans… 😉 >>>>>> Enough Is Enough At the end of a disappointing season which wasn’t so much ‘Going for 55’ as ‘Going NEVER to speak of it again’, we would like to shake our fist at the sky and shout […]

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A Tribute To John Terry

A Tribute To John Terry

Good Evening. The Clumpany was moved by yesterday’s emotional events at Stamford Bridge where an actual game of competitive football in ‘the best league in the world’ was stopped in the 26th minute – by arrangement – so that Chelsea No. 26 John Terry could be substituted and acclaimed as the world’s favourite footballer, bringer of peace, healer of […]

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The Big Sevco Investment Plan

The Big Sevco Investment Plan

Good Evening. Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon. >>>>>> Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers* A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club. By A. Shit-Shoveler. Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest […]

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The William Wallace Podcast

The William Wallace Podcast

Good Evening. The Clumpany is delighted to confirm the launch of a multimedia service which will enable you to get to know the Scottish legend who was famously portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film of his autobiography. Wallace is a name known throughout the world, but how many of us can claim to really know […]

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The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 

The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 

Good Evening. The Clumpany brings you dramatic news courtesy of a completely fictitious article which won’t be appearing in a Scottish newspaper. Probably… >>>>>> Celtic Squad Facing Dramatic Transfer Swoop Piss-take Sport understands that the successful Celtic squad looks set to be ravaged this summer by intergalactic raiders. Having seen off interest from the English […]

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Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

Good Evening. The Clumpany hears that Ryan Jack isn’t the only thing about Aberdeen that Paperwork Pedro has his eye on. This article – which won’t be appearing in a newspaper anytime soon – explains all… >>>>>> Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List By A. Futile-Hope Pedro Caixinha has sensationally added to his earlier comments about Ryan […]

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Sevco: Saviours Of The British Empire

Sevco: Saviours Of The British Empire

Good Afternoon. This ‘column’ won’t appear in any Scottish sports pages in the near future…. >>>>>> Globetrotting Rangers* Starlets Can Rebuild An Empire Rangers’* decision to opt out of next season’s Development League could pay dividends for the Light Blues, and change the world says our columnist. By A. Nostalgia-Fest As with all things coming […]

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Honestly NOT Going For 55

Honestly NOT Going For 55

Good Evening. The Clumpany laughed out loud when it read the following comments from Kenny ‘Three Old Firm Clubs’ Miller in the Daily Record today. Rangers ace Kenny Miller insists club can copy Celtic blueprint to become a force again Are we seriously expected to believe that all that ‘Going for 55’ nonsense was just […]

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Charles Green’s Lost Property

Charles Green’s Lost Property

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany was out and about this morning when it happened to stumble across something unusual. We are all used to seeing litter in the street, and occasionally we might find some coins (or a “transfer budget” as it’s known at Ibrox). We might even have the misfortune to tread in something unpleasant (there is […]

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The Ibrox Vegetables

The Ibrox Vegetables

Good Evening. The Clumpany understands that the following article isn’t going to appear in any newspaper. >>>>>>  Leeks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha By A. Market-Gardener Rangers* manager Pedro Caixinha has vowed to crack down on leeks leaving the Ibrox dressing room. Caixinha has been unhappy with the number of magnificent specimens […]

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Skeletor Could Be The Man To Fix Things Says Kris Void

Skeletor Could Be The Man To Fix Things Says Kris Void

Good Evening. Not appearing in the Sunday column of noted limbo-dancer Kris Void anytime soon… >>>>>> Skeletor Could Be The Man To Fix Things Says Kris Void The people of Eternia loathe him for causing chaos, but Skeletor could be just the man to transform the fortunes of Rangers* says Kris Void. Some Gers* fans […]

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Dave King And Stewart Regan: The Truth

Dave King And Stewart Regan: The Truth

Good Evening. The Clumpany has obtained a transcript of the meeting which Dave King and Stewart Regan held last week when the Sevco Supremo seemingly jetted in to Glasgow for the Craig Whyte court case, only to be stood down. A meeting which was belatedly reported by Roddy Forsyth in today’s Telegraph, and which took place […]

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History’s Greatest Villain

History’s Greatest Villain

Good Evening. The Clumpany hears that the United Nations Security Council may soon pass a resolution which lays the blame for some of the greatest ills bedevilling humanity at one person’s door. The charge sheet – which has been drawn up following a huge amount of work by two entirely separate research bodies – includes […]

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The Most Amazing Thing EVER

The Most Amazing Thing EVER

Good Evening. The Clumpany hears that its good pal Alan is absolutely buzzing. I haven’t seen him in person to check, but word reaches me that his local paper has decided to run a series of pieces about some of the allegedly remarkable things he has done, and he is thrilled about it! I understand […]

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Questionable ‘Achievements’

Questionable ‘Achievements’

Good Evening. My pal Alan is about to publish an article commemorating a famous episode in his life. It is 20 years since he had the best holiday ever. Alan loves going away in his vintage Campervan, and although we often arrange to meet up for a few days lounging on a beach somewhere, I […]

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How Sevco Can Dominate Scottish Football

How Sevco Can Dominate Scottish Football

Good Evening. As you might expect, The Clumpany greatly enjoyed yesterday’s 5-1 demolition of the artist pretending to be Rangers. The Big Lie that Sevco are one and the same as Rangers is one of the great piss-takes of our time, and it is utterly wonderful to see the one thing that even the most […]

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It’s All About The Trophies

It’s All About The Trophies

Good Evening, It has been a busy day at Clumpany Towers. The Clumpany likes to honour excellence and help those less fortunate, so I combined the two by hosting a gathering of award winners who have sadly fallen on hard times. They all had interesting tales to tell as they ate heartily of Kit-Kats and […]

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The Only Facts You Ever Need To Know

The Only Facts You Ever Need To Know

Good Evening. As many people continue to be fascinated by the coverage of the Craig Whyte trial, The Clumpany feels it is essential to issue a reminder of some extremely important facts.  Facts can help to keep your feet on the ground and prevent wild theories from spreading.  I am sure we all agree that […]

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A Medical Emergency

A Medical Emergency

Good Evening. The Clumpany hears terrible news of large numbers of Scottish sports journalists being hospitalised this afternoon after they followed the excellent live tweeting of the Craig Whyte case from @JamesDoleman. As you doubtless saw, there was a lot of questioning and evidence in relation to the problems which beset the club in 2010, 11, and 12 […]

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