The Clumpany

Raiders Of The Lost Creditors

Raiders Of The Lost Creditors

Good Evening. Not coming to a newspaper near you anytime soon… >>>>>> Rangers* Step Up Search For Mysterious ‘Lost Creditors’ By A. Real-Rangers* Hack. Rangers* are set to step up their search for something called ‘creditors’ of the ‘same club’ to put an end to ridiculous claims that they are not Rangers Football Club as a […]

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The One Where They Bored Us All To Death

The One Where They Bored Us All To Death

Good Evening. After dead Rangers’ financial doping and rulebreaking, the next worst thing about the 1990s and 2000s was probably that piss-poor documentary series ‘Friends’.  Boy was that show tedious.  The Clumpany knows that ‘reality’ TV shows were all the rage at that time, but that particular fly-on-the wall smugfest took the genre to a […]

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A Sevco Conspiracy Theory

A Sevco Conspiracy Theory

Good Evening. It is always good when the Scottish mainstream sports media steps forward to reassure us that there is nothing happening at Sevco for the Clumposphere to get excited about. If we are told that there is nothing to see by the folk who told us that Craig Whyte was a billionaire, asserted that all […]

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Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit

Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit

Good Evening. Not coming to the Daily Mail any time soon… >>>>>> Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit The ethereal entity wowed onlookers with a near-naked display while engaging in some retail therapy last night. By A. Sensationalist-Hack Onlookers gaped in astonishment at The Clumpany’s revealing choice of outfit last night as it stepped out to […]

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Third-Rate Runners And Riders

Third-Rate Runners And Riders

Good Evening. You have doubtless seen recent newspaper coverage of the plans to make an appointment to support Paperwork Pedro in his Sevco-oriented labours. The Clumpany is delighted to reveal that it has secured exclusive ‘insider’ acccess to this really big recruitment story.  So, without further a do, please allow me to present the runners and […]

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Dave King: Reluctant Hero

Dave King: Reluctant Hero

Good Morning. The Clumpany loves a massive coincidence. Last night, my sometime alter-ego Phil Mac Giolla Bhain suggested looking out for pieces in the mainstream media suggesting that Dave King is an unvalued leader, that he has done his best to rescue the ‘club’ he loves from the clutches of evil men, and that he has put […]

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How It All Went Wrong For Mike Ashley

How It All Went Wrong For Mike Ashley

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany has been savouring the comments made by Dave King and the MSM commentariat this week about the ‘grip’ that His Big Mikeness has on the Sevco retail deal, and how this is depriving Scotland’s most successful, young ‘same club’ thing of its rightful revenue. Or something. Bad bad Michael! This morning’s […]

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Sevco’s Confirmed Plan To Dominate Scottish Football

Sevco’s Confirmed Plan To Dominate Scottish Football

Good Evening. Far be it from The Clumpany to engage in cheap generalisations… [*Engages ‘cheap generalisation’ mode*] But for all the noise surrounding Dave King’s visit to the U.K. this week, we don’t actually seem to have learned a lot about the Big Plan to make Sevco great. The key messages seem to have been […]

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Q&A With Dave King

Q&A With Dave King

Good Evening. The Clumpany has been handed a transcript of a completely fictitious interview with Dave King, which was ‘conducted’ during his whistle-stop visit to the UK this week. >>>>>> Hack: “So Mr King, it’s all going well at Rangers* then?”. DK: “Funny you should ask that. Yes it is”. [*Stage whispers to the other […]

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A Complaint About Dave King

A Complaint About Dave King

Good Afternoon. The Clumpany has just been handed a breaking and completely made-up ‘story’ from a fictitious news agency. >>>>> Dave King subject of complaint by Rangers legend The Daily Piss-Take understands that David Murray is very unhappy and has made a series of calls to the sports editors of Scotland’s newspapers. Murray has seen today’s coverage […]

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The Dead Club Derby

The Dead Club Derby

Good Evening. Not coming to a newspaper near you any time soon… >>>>>> Celtic’s Permanent Victory   Rangers’ record against Celtic in Scottish Cup semi-finals or any other fixture isn’t going to improve. By A. Weeping-Hack. Celtic haven’t lost to their bitter rivals in any competition for several years. Because they are dead. And one […]

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The Westminster Attack

The Westminster Attack

Good Evening. Some people were killed and injured in one of the world’s most high profile locations today. Some people were killed and injured in close proximity to the UK Parliament, in the nation’s capital. Or, to focus on the irreducible core of the matter, free of geographical considerations… some people were killed and injured. […]

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Sevco’s Exciting New Assistant Manager

Sevco’s Exciting New Assistant Manager

Good Morning. The Clumpany had a chuckle at today’s reports that both Barry ‘Yes Of Course You Can Have My Autograph, Kenny’ Ferguson, and John ‘Show Us The Deeeeeeeeeeeds’ Brown are in the running to be the new ‘Number 3’ at Ibrox, working alongside Paperwork Pedro and his assistant, Helder Baptista. Since when did having a […]

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Top Scientist Confirms The ‘Old Firm’ Is Dead

Top Scientist Confirms The ‘Old Firm’ Is Dead

Good Evening. >>>>>> Top Scientist Confirms The ‘Old Firm’ Is Dead Dr Fu Mi Twice, who is a Fellow of Ethereal College at the University of Clumpery, said neither Celtic nor Rangers will suffer as the rivalry between them fades, because “Rangers are as dead as the proverbial dodo” while their city rivals Celtic “are […]

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Pedro Demands Your Unconditional Surrender

Pedro Demands Your Unconditional Surrender

Good Morning. Almost appearing in a media outlet near you this morning… >>>>>> Oh my Lord this is amazing! Please have my children Pedro! Pedro Caixinha got his reign as the sixteenth (yes SIXTEENTH Timmy, so GIRUY) manager of Rangers* off to the perfect start with a 4-0 hammering of a Hamilton side who more […]

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Brendan Rodgers #Obsessed

Brendan Rodgers #Obsessed

Good Evening. A number of you will have seen this article in today’s Sunday Mail: Strangely, the headline has been changed since this morning. I wonder why? The Clumpany understands that in a parallel Universe the following fictional piece could have been published instead: >>>>> Scottish press is losing it over their obsession with vague negative […]

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How Pedro Created The World’s Greatest Team

How Pedro Created The World’s Greatest Team

Good Evening. Coming soon to a media outlet near you… >>>>>> How good is Pedro Caixinha? He is amazing! Possibly Rangers’* best ever manager. Rangers* have got one over on their rivals here. The appointment is a sign of Rangers’* ambition, which is second to none. His team selection is second to none, as we […]

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When Sevco Finally ‘Arrived’

When Sevco Finally ‘Arrived’

Good Evening. Following Sevco’s 4-0 win against Hamilton today, The Clumpany would like to pre-empt the Scottish sports media by declaring the following: Pedro is the 16th manager of Rangers*, and the creditors can p*ss off to A&E if they feel as though they are being slapped across the face by that declaration.  Pedro is […]

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The Key To Sevco’s Future Success

The Key To Sevco’s Future Success

Good Evening. The Clumpany recently noted the astonishing revelation that Paperwork Pedro is going to meet Dave King at some point soon: When Dave King Comes To Town… Fancy that, eh? A chairman meeting the manager of his football team. Sevco really should have kept this cunning ruse a secret because I now fear that […]

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The Concert Party

The Concert Party

Good Evening. All together now… 🎼🎹🎹🎤🎹🎹🎼 Meet the gang ‘cos the Bears are here, With King to reimburse you! The Takeover Panel said to help you on your way, Now he’s raising the cash, so he can pay pay pay! With cash, in pennies, and notes-old-and-new, With his buy-out, you just can’t lose! So meet […]

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